I had the opportunity to attend a lecture/conversation and book signing at the Ridgefield Playhouse in Ridgefield, CT, last year. The event featured Chasten Buttigieg, Richie Jackson, and Harvey Firestein. I heard so many things that night that were life-affirming. Richie Jackson said, “For gay parents, living their lives every day is an act of rebellion.” I understood what people mean when they report they heard something that made them feel “seen and heard” – this was personal, and these words went right to my soul.
In his book Gay Like Me, Richie Jackson discusses raising a son who came out as gay when he was 15 years old. In the book, Jackson generously shares his wisdom about life for gay people. One quote struck me, “My son is kind, responsible, and hardworking. He is ready for college. He is not ready to be a gay man living in America.”
After my first post in Life at the Margins, I returned to his book recently. An old friend reached out to me to share that her teenage son recently came out to her as gay.
This was not the first time a friend from another time in my life reached out to me for advice after their child came out as gay. At least once every few years, I get such a call, and it’s always an honor when someone turns to me for advice on such an occasion.
Most parents view the product of parenting as having raised happy, well-adjusted, self-sufficient adults who are positioned to become the best version of themselves possible (or some version of that). My friend was stunned by her son coming out as gay. She is supportive and loves him unconditionally; from what I can tell, she managed it very well. I had to remind her to take time to grieve the life she had imagined he would live because she was so incredibly focused on the immediate impact on how he lives in this world. Good parents can be selfless to a fault. I reminded her that even on an airplane, they tell adults to put the oxygen mask on themselves before helping their children. My friend is a good parent.
It might be easy to be a member of the LGBTQ community in this modern world. We have marriage equality in the United States and broad acceptance of the right to exist in much of the civilized world. Still, there are millions of human beings living in countries where being gay is a crime and, in some countries, people can be put to death. Despite the hundreds of anti-LGBTQ bills that have made or are making their way through statehouses across the USA, life is as good as it has ever been for LGBTQ people in the United States. But make no mistake, life for a member of the LGBTQ community is difficult just for the fact of someone daring to live their authentic life. Subtle and not-so-subtle biases and discrimination exist everywhere you can imagine: in the workplace, walking down a public street, alone or with your significant other, in your house of worship (if you even have one), and in all the social circles you find yourself in as a parent. When one of us is gay-bashed, we are all gay-bashed, and the act of gay-bashing leaves a mark everywhere and on everyone who hears about incidents of bashing. This fact is a burden LGBTQ people carry with them. However significant or small this burden is on someone, that our hearts and minds create space for it as a necessity for survival is a thing that is not understood until you have this lived experience.
My friend’s son, let us call him John, believes it is no big deal that he is gay. John told his mom she worries too much. He does not see any problem with how being gay impacts his life. Thankfully, John has an awesome mom who gets it. Like Richie Jackson’s teenage son, John is a great kid who is ready for college and everything typical teens need to be prepared for, but John is not ready to be a gay man in America.
Like many parents, she worries about everything: the momentum of fascism in the USA and the world, John’s interest in going to college in the deep South, his naïve assumption that there is nothing to worry about, and how a sheltered white boy from the wealthy suburbs will navigate a world he knows nothing about, a world he thinks he understands. A world where his extended family might well disown him for being gay – a thing that is not even on his radar right now. Does he even understand that being disowned by an aunt, Uncle, Father, Grandparent, or any horrible family member might be better than being tolerated? How does she prepare him for something she only slightly understands?
When my husband and I decided to adopt children, we discussed how we had no actual examples of how to raise children as two gay men. We decided there were no sacred cows we would discover and learn as we went along with our lives. One benefit to being gay is that we did not relate to the generational message that straight men were too incompetent to nurture, care for, and raise children. We knew we could do it and wanted nothing more. We understood that we would be pioneers of sorts and that for the people we met along the way, we would often be the first same-sex parented family they met. We accepted we would need patience with people. We would follow the golden rule and hope others would as well. There are aspects to living a big gay life that are hard to describe to someone who has not lived it.
I look at a public figure like Richie Jackson with admiration for the conversations he is having with our community that have impacted my perspective on my big gay life. As Jackson says, the fact that I am gay is the best part of me. It is a blessing and not a curse. It is not something to be diminished by relegating its importance to a minor player in what makes us who we are. When I was younger, this would sound something like, “I am gay, but that does not define me.” Having a broad range of gay role models can be helpful to a young gay person. Along with the perspective that you can reject any notion that there is a way to be gay. Your only job is to be authentic - you owe yourself that much.
A parent’s job is to help their child become the best version of themselves, discover their full potential, and work towards living their own authentic life. My friend’s son will need to find his own way, and the best thing she could do is help him learn how to think and how to be resilient—something children need to learn anyway.
Some advice for parents when their children come out:
Keep reinforcing that you love them unconditionally.
Learn gay history.
Help them build resilience.
Please do not rush into worry about what this means for their life.
Take everything one step at a time, and be hyper-present.
Do not try to solve their problems (especially those he does not perceive)
Do help them learn how to make decisions (In my friend’s case, I suggested building a rubric for his college search)
Always take your child’s side over a family member who rejects them because they are gay.
The truth is there is so much to learn about being a gay person in America. As much as life has improved, it has stayed the same. Biases exist; people will always feel more comfortable sitting at the table with people who are just like them; some will be welcoming, some will be open-minded and tolerant, others will not be any of those things, and some will see equality as a threat and will try to take that seat away. The world is not fair, people are imperfect, and not everything will be equitable in business and life. Young gay people can change the world every day that they live their authentic lives. A well-adjusted young gay person is someone who can thrive while being their authentic self. The same might be said of any young person, and that is not an accident.
Remember the happiness formula:
Thoughts (authenticity + understanding) = happiness
When you live your life authentically, remain present and mindful, and possess an understanding that there is a big world beyond yourself, you have a chance at happiness.
Some added considerations:
Living a lie does not make anyone happy, so focus on living your authentic life.
Authenticity is something you discover for yourself, about yourself.
Authenticity comes from within; this is not an external ideal you must conform to
Seek first to understand, then to be understood (Stephen Covey)
It is not your job to change hearts and minds; it is to thrive no matter the conditions.
What other people think about you is none of your business (Paolo Coelho)
Finally, the world is full of promise and opportunity – for everyone. For young people – the digital natives, they are facing a world their parents are ill-equipped to prepare them for. We woke up one day, and the world we knew was gone forever. We do not know how to grow up in this digital age. The world is now in a liminal space with some scratching their heads, others navigating as best they can, while still, more people are screaming their heads off for a simpler, better time that will never return.
Humankind will continue to evolve, and our young people will find the path. Our best advice might be to keep your eyes focused not on the obstacles but on the path forward.
Peace and happy pride.