(This image was created with ChatOnAI; to me, it symbolizes how the lies we tell ourselves hurt our beautiful hearts)
We all weave narratives in the tapestry of our lives, often without even realizing it. These narratives, our self-deceptions, can be more potent than any lie we tell others. They may not pose immediate threats, but they can shape our perception of reality in ways we don't always comprehend.
If you ever saw a photo of yourself and were shocked at how you looked, you know what it's like to deceive yourself. We all operate in a kind of selfish worldview where we are constantly making assumptions not just about how we look but how we sound, how others perceive us, our ability to think critically, how we fit into the various tribes we belong to, or how we don’t, and finally, the biggest deception we have that causes the most significant unhappiness relates to how we view our potential in life.
The word “potential” itself is a bit of a misnomer in our lives. It’s as if to say we all have hidden abilities that, if only we found them, we could achieve greatness. It leaves out the fact that greatness is achieved by work. You work hard to achieve greatness in any field, with any skill. So, the logic (and story) that follows is that what we tell ourselves about our greatness is too wrapped up in this mysterious potential that we must somehow discover to achieve happiness. Wouldn’t it be more straightforward to say, “Work daily for your happiness?”
This was previously said by Aristotle, who defined happiness as an activity of the mind by virtue sustained throughout one's life. As my college philosophy professor, Bill Ball, declared, “You have to work for happiness; you have to do something.”
So, if ancient dude Aristotle said this almost 2400 years ago. Why do we still have so much trouble with happiness?
You guessed right—it’s people because people need to do it for themselves. And people can be lazy. Work is involved and living virtuously daily sounds like such a grind. Who can be that good all the time? No wonder the world is full of unhappy people. You must ask yourself, if you had to work anyway, would you work for happiness daily, understanding it’s a grind, or would you instead work daily to survive the misery that perpetual unhappiness unleashes on human beings? Many people have opted for survival, figuring happiness was out of reach.
It all has to do with the stories we tell ourselves. Stories that protect our pride and dignity, stories that explain away our failures and weaknesses, stories that justify -nearly anything and everything. Lust, greed, fear, gluttony, pride, wrath, and sloth. Our stories often justify our indulgence in these seven deadly sins. They are called sins for a reason, and to remove the religiosity of the word “sin,” let’s consider it another way. Activities that impair our happiness are sinful. What stories are you telling yourself that keep you unhappy?
Instead of telling yourself a story, remove your pride or need to explain, confront yourself on your indulgence in these seven deadly sins, and commit to the kind of happiness where you work to inflict no pain and avoid the pain you or others impose on you.
The Danish Philosopher Soren Kierkegaard once said, “Life is not a mystery to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.” In this way, we have no room for our stories. When we tell these stories, who are we talking to? Mostly ourselves. And this action removes us from the reality of the world we inhabit. Socrates is credited with the expression, “memento mori,” Someday you will die, and later, Friedrich Nietzsche with Amori Fati to love your fate. The greatest philosopher thinkers throughout recorded history have tried to tell us the same things: be present, live humbly, and accept what you cannot control. If it's happening, you can have it and be grateful for where you are. Your life happens each day. Kierkegaard sums it up nicely: how can we experience reality when working so hard to avoid reality? Be it the stories we tell ourselves or our overindulgence in that which robs us of our happiness (the seven deadly sins).
Daily steps for happiness:
Accept that perfection is not a goal but work towards continuous improvement.
You control how you respond to what happens to you in this life.
You are not responsible for other people’s choices, feelings about you, or anything you do not control.
Practice gratitude each morning when you wake up and each night before you fall asleep.
Practice temperance (aka balance), then the remaining cardinal virtues when called upon.
Practice radical presence and let go of the past and the uncertain future.
When you are wrong, apologize and make right what you can.
If someone has hurt you, forgive them. Forgiveness is for you. They don’t need to be in your life again, but letting go of that big dreadful thing is best for you.
Everyone struggles with something, and none of us is perfect. But with a bit of authenticity and daily focus, you can enjoy your life, and one day, you will realize you are happy.
Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed by this kind of situation I try to remind myself of two things: (1) focus on what I can do to help improve the situation and (2) recognize that even small changes in behavior can make a large impact over time. Patience and perspective are everything.
This speaks to what I've been deeply contemplating over the last few days. Its strange and comforting to see you are too my friend. I was just asking myself, as I came from my daily walk- almost dizzy with the weight of the reality of the the human condition-who can I share this painful dilemma with- who wants to confront such reality? And then I find you here, willing to go there. Let's go there together. I want to be in that kind of world. Where else but at the margins will you find those willing to confront themselves with truth? With love.